Death topic keep show up to me this few years

 I keep facing the death, relative elder death, old friends death, same age celebrity's death ...

I keep thinking about what happen after the end of me.

I keep thinking, nothing left after I gone.

No any prove that I existed.

When I gone, how about my collection stuff ?

When I gone, my precious memories all gone ?

When I gone, any relative will miss me ?

I started think I might left something, perhaps like some life photo, some notes, some memories notes.

I know as a human being, getting old will make u forget everything.

So I started to plan, I will write down my whole life memories as much as possible, at here, this platform.

Even there is no any visitor here.

But at least I left something on internet database.

I think I might write from my earliest memory as I can remember.

I have lot of awkward childhood memories, this might became my book title if I wish.

Some share memories with sibling, sister, brothers, they might already forgot but I still remember some details while play with them in childhood times.

What a good memories even there is some bad thing happen sometimes.

At the end, I will say I might became lazy again about this plan.

But I try to write it down as much as I can, for real.

Good luck for everyone who work hard for better life.

Oh ya, my English actually no that good for describe some details, so I will write in Chinese.

Probably next month will done chapter 1, or may be prologue ...

See ya.

Grandma & me at Kampung Baru, town of Lunas, Kedah state, Malaysia

(Photo taken in 1987)

Stress, on everything, real bad time

I m currently drop into a trap that trying to get out from this mess.

I m fear about marriage, I m confuse that did I really want to marry her ?

I m fear that if I marry her will cause a lot of problem with my family ? Especially my mom ?

She didn't care a lot my family connection.

I m confuse when my mom force me to marry her ASAP and this really make me gloomy.

I started to doubt myself if this was what I wanted.

I don’t even know why I have self-doubt like this situation.

I started worry everything.

I got little health problem right now.

My heart keep feels uncomfortable sometimes.

I afraid of noisy human sound.

I wish to have a completely silent place to stay.

I started fear if I really have capability to done my house loan.

She didn't make any help on my house loan.

I keep thinking of death topic every morning when I wake up.

What will happen if I suddenly disappear from this world ?
I think might no body care, I m nobody.

I sad, I have no best friends to talk to.

I have some friends, but I fear to show naked of my heart to them.

When I realize, there is already build up huge wall stuck myself inside.

I don't know how to break that wall.

I m hard to believe in human.

I m so hard to say I m sick inside.

What can I do is just empty my brain every morning.

I don't want listen any content when I drive to work.

I look up the clear sky, I free up my mind.

I need some real rest, without any disturb.

I hope I would free my mind in future.

 I love look up the clear sky every morning when I walk to my car that ready drive to office